


Single-Season Christmas Record

by MeansToOffend (goodmorning)



Series: Hockey Rhyming Things [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: 2016-2017 NHL Season, Gen, all the teams are in this, and nightmares, brought on by that blackhawks christmas video of long ago, mawkish parody, this is parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 05:02:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8954662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodmorning/pseuds/MeansToOffend
Summary: One of these Christmas song parodies is about your favourite NHL team.(I may or may not have managed not to insult them.)





	1. TOR: Baby, It's Cold Outside

M: I finally know what I want!  
W: Then, baby, why don't you tell?  
M: Should be a real fun jaunt...  
W: Baby that sounds so swell!  
M: Might not be easy to do...  
W: Trust me, we'll find a way.  
M: Should I wear white or blue?  
W: I hope you're not trying to say  
U: Baby, let's see the Leafs!

M: I think we should go...  
W: Baby, the price is steep...  
M: Just 5k for the first row!  
W: See, babe, it don't come cheap.  
M: We'll get some merch while we're there  
W: We've got a mortgage due...  
M: Jerseys to wear!  
W: We've got bills and car payments too!

M: Mitch, Auston, William, and Zach  
W: Baby, that's four, not three...  
M: All so great on the attack!  
W: Perhaps not defensively.  
M: Can't wait to get in!  
W: Baby, this won't end well...  
M: Hey, they even might win!  
W: Oh, babe- well, what the hell?  
U: Baby, let's see the Leafs!  
U: Oh, baby, let's see the Leafs!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed the rhythm up pretty obnoxiously here but OH WELL.


	2. COL: Little Drummer Boy

Making a highlight reel,   
La la la la la,  
Fans' love for us to seal,  
La la la la la.  
We have no wins to show,   
Oh no, oh no, no;  
But here's a Nate Mac goal,  
La la la la la,   
Wo-o-o-oah,  
Look at him go.

How else can we bring in,  
Hm hm hm hm hm,  
Those tired of Nate Mac spin,  
Huh huh huh huh huh?  
They'll come for Landy,   
Ah-ha, yes, ah-ha,  
His pretty face to see,  
La la la la la,  
La la la la,  
You know it's so.

One more thing we can do,  
La la la la la,  
The fans' dead hearts to move,  
La la la la la,  
Duchene bobblehead night,  
Nod nod nod nod nod,  
Will make it all alright  
La la la la la,  
La la la la,  
Everything's fine!

O, those plans they have,  
Ha ha ha ha ha,  
Those poor Avs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised at how awful they are. Very depressing.


	3. CBJ: God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen

You can be happy, Jackets fans,   
The season's looking good:  
Foligno, Saad, and Atkinson  
Scoring more than they should.  
You're beating better teams by margins  
No-one thought you would;  
Though you're stuck up the creek in the Metro,  
A division so cold,  
Still, have hope - to the playoffs you may go.

It seemed so unlikely, Jackets fans,  
Your goalie could be grand:  
Years since the Vezina were poor,  
No succour could be planned.  
But Bob is back - the saves he makes! -  
He's like a whole new man!  
Oh, there may be a second Vezina near,  
His path seems clear;  
Either way, there is nothing left to fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm now a low-key Jackets fan? BOB WHY.


	4. ANA: Up on a Housetop

Up on Getzlaf's head, there's no hair -  
Holy cow, that dome is bare!  
Yup, that's Getzlaf's head shining bright  
With helmet lost, a brilliant sight.  
Ho ho ho, pretend not to know.  
Ho ho ho, man, that thing glows!  
Upon Getzlaf's head, spotlight hits;  
Blinding if you look right at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why can't I take the Ducks seriously?


	5. VAN: Deck the Halls

Stick your fingers in your ears,  
La la la la la la la la la.  
Your start has quieted your fears,  
La la la la la la la la la.  
Sedins still good and Miller solid,  
La la la la la la la la la,  
We'll make the playoffs, grab your wallets,  
La la la la la la la la la.

Our future's bright, Hutton and Horvat,  
La la la la la la la la la.  
(There's no-one else but just ignore that.)  
La la la la la la la la la.  
Ownership is too involved?  
La la la la la la la la la.  
Front office kowtows, problem solved.  
La la la la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la la la!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry.


	6. CAR: Do You Hear What I Hear?

A surprising turn of events.  
Do you see what I see?  
No excuses to sit on the fence,  
Do you see what I see?  
The Canes are lighting the goal light,  
And they do it night after night,  
Yes, they'll do it night after night.

Skinner scoring nearly a point per game,  
Do you hear what I hear?  
And Victor Rask is doing much the same,  
Do you hear what I hear?  
That Hanifin will become an elite,  
That Aho's great, and his position you'll complete -   
Right wing will fill, and then you won't be beat.

Cam Ward playing like it's '06,  
Listen to what I say.  
CuJo came in with a magic fix,  
Listen to what I say.  
If he keeps this up it's true,  
Carolina's coming for you:  
Hurricanes are coming for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speaking of the Metro...


	7. DET: All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

All you want this season is a playoff run -  
No, to make round one,  
Lose and be done.  
All you want this season is a playoff run  
So you don't get blamed for the streak's end!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What else can you say about Detroit? A song about longing for a Larkin-AA-Mantha line is too sad.


	8. LAK: We Three Kings

We're the Kings, from LA we hail.  
Count the ways our offense can fail -   
Rely on defense  
With no pretense,  
Kopitar saves our tails.

O captain wondrous, captain bright,  
Captain with defensive sight!  
In weak division, with precision,  
We'll make the playoffs alright.

Quick went down, with Havlat groin cursed;  
With our goal depth, we presumed the worst.  
Budaj as starter  
Presumed martyr -  
We were wrong from the first.

O Budaj decent, Budaj blessed,  
Budaj with decent reflex!  
A ready smile, he's not fragile -   
That's the most important test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the easiest songs to assign, for obvious reasons.


	9. TBL: O Little Town of Bethlehem

O small city of Tampa Bay,  
How stoked your fanbase are!  
With Stammer, Heddy, Kuch signed cheap  
Your GM is a star.  
The Bucs and Rays are awful,  
The basement is in sight;  
But Cooper's team plays like a dream,  
To watch is a delight!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speaking of Havlat groin...


	10. CGY: Let It Snow

Brian Elliott's start was frightful,  
Your record's less than delightful,  
But when your fans' hopes are low:  
You've Gaudreau, you've Gaudreau, you've Gaudreau.

Frolik and Backlund, now, they've been clicking,  
Monahan's clock, it ain't ticking.  
Your tiny star made it so:  
That's Gaudreau, that's Gaudreau, that's Gaudreau.

When we finally see season's end,  
In the postseason you might just play;  
A message to the Pacific you'll send  
With your small fast star leading the way!

Well, your captain, he still looks handy,  
And Tkackuk is fine and dandy,  
But they're not the big draw, you know:  
That's Gaudreau, that's Gaudreau, that's Gaudreau.

That's Gaudreau, that's Gaudreau, that's Gaudreau!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaudreau's story is hilarious.


	11. PHI: Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

You know Giroux, Schenn, Voracek, Read, Simmonds, Bellemare,  
Provorov, Gudas, MacDonald, and Ghost Bear,  
But do you recall the most average Flyer of all?

Mason, the southpaw goalie  
Had a shitty rep in goal:  
That if you ever saw him,  
He'd let a couple in five-hole.

All of the other goalies  
Used to laugh about his knees;  
They never let poor Mason  
In on their tips or techniques.

Then one dark midseason game  
When Neuvirth could not play:  
"Mason, with your glove hand right,  
Won't you start in goal tonight?"

When he posted a shutout,  
The fans all shouted in delight,  
"Mason, the southpaw goalie,  
"We love you at least for tonight!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a red-haired joke waiting to be made the whole time.


	12. PIT: Santa Claus is Coming To Town

You'd better watch him,  
Don't leave him alone;  
He'll walk the puck in  
And wrist it right home:

Sidney Crosby's coming to town.

He's eating up shifts,  
Your team's in a hole.  
Phaneuf he deadlifts,  
Turns, and scores a goal:

Sidney Crosby's coming to town.

He's fooling all your defense,  
All passes he completes.  
When Malkin's on the ice as well  
There's no way you can compete - 

So you'd better watch him,  
And HBK too;  
The Pittsburgh Penguins   
Are coming for you:

Sidney Crosby's coming to town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S. C. is coming to town, scoring off your goalies and being a general nuisance.


	13. BOS: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

I saw Tuukka throwing a tantrum  
After a bad game the other night.  
Oh, it really felt like fate  
That he'd find another milk crate;  
Man, that throw, it would have felt so right!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be longer but I ran out of time.


	14. CHI: We Wish You a Merry Christmas

I wish you would go away now,  
I still cannot understand how  
The league doesn't get the hate, wow:  
Just give us a break.

Your players are dicks,  
It sucks that they win.  
Only good guy is Hossa  
Not much more we can take.

I really don't want to see you.  
Bettman should shut up about Kane soon.  
Can someone please poison those two?  
Just give us a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poison is probably slightly extreme.


	15. OTT: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing

Analytics fanboys sing,  
"Karlsson is the Corsi king!"  
Eye-test guys grin ear to ear:  
"He's been blocking shots this year!"

Arguments are set aside,  
Stats and eye-test verified.  
With voices raised as one proclaim,  
"Karlsson, he can Play The Game!"

No need to fight for injured pride;  
Karlsson's play excites both sides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a stupid debate.


	16. FLA: Good King Wenceslas

Jaromir Jagr's shot set   
Up Aleksander Barkov;  
Huberdeau came round the net  
And got the rebound shot off.

Jokinen, Trocheck and Smith  
On the rush came quickly,  
Ekblad fourth and Yandle fifth  
With one-timed slapshots slickly.

Bjugstad centers, Rau on wing,  
Those boys from Minnesota  
Up on D comes Matheson  
Cats reaching a youth quota.

Lu and Reimer 'tween the pipes,  
Scarcely a tandem better.  
Both feeling measures of delight  
To wear a Panthers sweater.

Panthers fans, we can be sure  
This season is improving.  
When health and luck are both restored  
There's no way we'll be losing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially I thought this was one of the "Gloria!" songs which would have fit rhythm nicely, but no.
> 
> This was also the only one I wrote before the season started.


	17. BUF: Jolly Old Saint Nicholas

Buffalo, you have regressed,  
What is going on?  
This year was to be the test  
Of just how far you've gone.

Wasting decent players' primes,  
What are you to do?  
Those free agents surely must  
Regret signing with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, Buffalo, wtf?


	18. SJS: Ding Dong Merrily On High

Low-pitched blaring from on high -   
The Sharks' goal foghorn's blasting.  
With this current mix of guys  
They hope for success lasting.

Sco-o-o-o-o-oring goals  
Et barbum in excelsis.

Pavs stays planted in the crease  
His teammates' shots to tip in;  
Jumbo with the quick release  
No goalies can predict them.

Sco-o-o-o-o-oring goals  
Et barbum in excelsis.

Burnzie flying up the boards,  
How does he move so swiftly?  
Slaps the puck the net towards  
And it goes past the goalie.

Sco-o-o-o-o-oring goals  
Et barbum in excelsis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Et barbum in excelsis" does indeed mean "and beards on high."


	19. MIN: O Come, All Ye Faithful

O come, Wild faithful,  
Your team is winning, rejoice!  
O come, ye, so you can see  
Dubnyk in net.

Your defense is good, fine.  
You know they're not why you win.  
Come on and worship Dubnyk,  
Make his goodwill to you stick.  
You know it will be worth it  
When you're in round two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goalies are magic.


	20. MTL: O Christmas Tree

O Montreal Canadiens, you have the sickest goalie.  
O Montreal Canadiens, un gardien si joli.  
He makes the saves no others do  
On breakaways, one-timers too.  
O Montreal Canadiens, your 'Jesus Price' is holy.

O Montreal Canadiens, the Gallys entertain too.  
O Montreal Canadiens, ils ne peuvent être tenus.  
Score even when no others can  
And often then delight the fans.  
O Montreal Canadiens, just like you need them to do.

O Montreal Canadiens, I like Max Pacioretty.  
O Montreal Canadiens, je suis désolé pour lui.  
Your coach's hate, it makes him slow;  
It's not too late, let Therrien go.  
O Montreal Canadiens, it's been too long already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not good at French.


	21. ARI: Frosty the Snowman

Smith, the poor goalie,  
Sees more shots than you'd believe,  
With the offense flat, and defensive lack,  
There's no win he can achieve.

Oh, Smith, the poor goalie  
Actually is pretty good.  
Though his bones are glass, watch his glove hand flash  
Making all the saves he should.

There must have been some magic in  
Those leather pads he wore,  
For when he placed them on himself  
He'd see fifty shots for sure!

Oh, Smith, the poor goalie;  
He's washed up, some people say,  
But conditions faced in that desert place  
Will return to good someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Coyotes.


	22. WSH: (I'm Dreaming of a) White Christmas

I'm dreaming of a Cup for Ovi;  
Just think of all the shit he'd do.  
Like the hot-stick celly,  
Sliding on his belly,  
Better yet, it may be something new.

I'm dreaming of a Cup for Ovi;  
A Backstrom handoff feels so right.  
May the Holtbeast stay quick and bright,  
And may the Caps' Cup win bring us delight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wouldn't even mind, honestly.


	23. NJD: Away in a Manger

Alone in the goal crease, no defense around,  
Opponents advancing, a breakaway found;  
A shot! - Where'd the puck go? It's safe in his glove.  
That's Schneider, the goalie New Jersey fans love.

Their cheer is sustained when Hall takes the ice  
With Henrique or Zajac - both options are nice.  
Good chances created, the puck's in the net.  
A goal as good as Devils fans ever get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first stanza was easier than the second.


	24. DAL: O Holy Night

O Dallas fans, the Stars have been declining;  
Blue line's depleted but that isn't all.  
Poor Dallas fans, your stars have not been shining -   
Oh, Jamie Benn, what are you playing through?

It's injuries affecting you so badly;  
For once, it seems, you cannot blame your goalies.  
Fall to your knees and pray you recover.  
Oh, they'll be fine, when they are well again.  
Yes, they'll be fine when your C can crash the net.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Injuries suck.
> 
> The rhythm of this song was hard to match.


	25. EDM: 12 Days of Christmas

In the 2016 season, the Oilers gave to me:

Twelve boy band memes,  
Eleven goals for Maroon,  
Ten years since playoffs,  
Nine decent players,  
Eight days off skipped,  
Seven Talbot shutouts,  
Six from New Jersey,  
Five high draft busts,  
Four to the Devils,  
Three goals per game,  
Two Lucic fights,  
And a Connor McDavid C!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Presented from 12 to 1 because doing all twelve stanzas is a waste of space, ~~much like the Oilers have been~~.


	26. STL: Angels We Have Heard On High

Tarasenko, he's our guy  
Swiftly skating down the ice.  
Goalies ready in reply;  
He snipes top-shelf oh so nice.

Sco-o-o-oring goals,  
He rarely takes a day off.  
Sco-o-o-oring goals,  
He'll get you to the playoffs.

Parayko and Bouwmeester  
Thirty minutes? That must hurt.  
Think of all the things they do -  
Plus Bouwmeester's thirty-two.

Ho-o-o-olding leads,  
A win in regulation.  
Ho-o-o-olding leads,  
A cause of exultation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I briefly forgot which angel-hearing song this was supposed to be.


	27. NYR: Joy to the World

Joy to New York, Lundqvist is fine.  
The Rags fans love the King!  
Despite the offense falling off,  
Despite the hot-hand Raanta starts,  
You can see the calm that he brings,  
He saves just about everything,  
Lady Liberty and the Tre Kronor his bling.

Grief to New York, your defense sucks.  
Girardi drags you down.  
When hoarding forward UFAs  
No notice of your blue line woes?  
McDonagh deserves reknown -   
Still decent despite that clown -  
Without him your good goalies would surely drown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know.


	28. NYI: Jingle Bells

Chorus:  
Islanders, Islanders, surprisingly bad.  
I don't think you'll recover from the awful start you've had.  
Islanders, Islanders, become a hipster fad  
Or else you won't have any fans left to be getting mad.

Waiving Parenteau, a fresh-signed UFA,  
I can't believe you let him go - I'm still laughing today!  
With Berube you're stuck, to waive would see him claimed;  
His career you'll fuck and then for you he may not play!

[Chorus]

You should fire Capuano, that basement-dwelling bum,  
And at the same time, Snow, you should start the eviction.  
Your captain's contract time is short; next season could be his last.  
He surely won't re-sign if you're still going nowhere fast!

[Chorus]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't understand how first line Clutterbuck was allowed to be a thing.


	29. NSH: I Saw Three Ships

I saw Subban go flying in,  
Preds defense on the rush again,  
He skates, he shoots, he scores, they win!  
They ought to right the ship soon.

I saw Rinne the leather flash  
Opponents' shots to turn to trash.  
He may be making piles of cash  
But he's worth every penny.

I saw Neal try a nasty snipe  
Other teams' goalies' minds to wipe  
I heard it ping in off the pipe  
Maybe he'll wash his hair now.

I saw Josi go flying in,  
The hopes and dreams of Switzerland.  
So fast, so strong, with such good hands,  
They can't help righting the ship soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It will be grand.


	30. WIN: Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)

Wheeler smiling, the C on his chest,  
Byfuglien running some poor fool.  
Hellebuyck as a starter so new  
Making saves you're not used to.  
Scheifele scoring at a point per game,  
Trouba's bridge deal finalized.  
And you love their play in so many ways,  
But your favourite is Laine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm also becoming a massive Laine fan.
> 
> This league is ruining me.


	31. VGK: Silent Night

Golden knights, folding knights,  
Busy streets, neon lights.  
Can you hold up against distractions?  
Bring in fans when there's money to win?  
Court the locals or you're screwed  
And Quebec has something to prove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not over the name.
> 
> Also, HA HA HA trademarks.


	32. NHL: Silver Bells

LA Kings play  
With no Quick, they  
Need some help from the refs.  
Or our ratings will drop til  
There's none left.

Rangers rushing,  
Caps are pushing,  
Penguins playing their best.  
Metro focus will play well on screen.

Chorus:  
NHL, NHL,  
It's hockey time in Sin City.  
The Coyotes, a basement team,  
When will they earn what you pay?

The Panthers, now,   
Just - holy cow.  
What the hell can I do?  
It's a small-market team,  
So forget it.

Bump the Blackhawks,  
Check that checkbox,  
Get that blond on TV.  
There's no way this could make fans hate me!

[Chorus]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wishing you a lovely holiday and a few beautiful days of not worrying about hockey.


End file.
